My two year old brother, the Spawn, says and does a lot of…interesting things throughout the day. Here’s a few examples, in no particular order:
1. A few days ago: My dad had a little plastic bucket thing full of chopped fruit, and was sitting across the table from Spawn, eating it. Spawn spotted it, cooed, “Fruuuuuuit,” and then slithered across the table, folded his hands, and said, “Please?”
He had never said the word please before that day.
2. This morning: I woke up to find the Spawn plucking at my toes, which were exposed by the blanket, and chanting, “Wake-up! Wake-up!”
3. A few months ago: Jade was talking loudly and laughing and Spawn says, really cutely, “Jade, Jade?” (He didn’t really say Jade, of course, but he said my sister’s name.) My sister, charmed, says, “What?” Spawn places one hand over his mouth and goes, “Ssssshhhhhhhh.”
4. A few months ago: Spawn got a Leapster-type thing for Christmas, and he was tapping away at it, when it made the little losing-game sound. Spawn screamed “FUCK!” and threw it across the room. (In our defense, we do try to censor ourselves.
5. Since a few months ago: Whenever you tell Spawn, “Don’t tickle! No, no tickles!” he drops whatever he’s doing and runs towards you chanting “Tickle! Tickle!” and starts to tickle your stomach.
6. A few months ago: Jade bent down to give him a kiss while he was looking at a book, and he lifted his face to give her one, saw her, and recoiled, with a loud, “EWWWWW.”
7. Since he was about fifteen months old: Spawn sees my sister and I putting on makeup, and my dad putting gel in his hair, and he wants to be just like us, pretty. So whenever Jade’s putting on makeup in the bathroom, he pops up out of nowhere and climbs onto the toilet lid to watch, and then purse his lips, so Jade can put lip gloss on him. He also squeezed out an entire tube of a gloppy facewash stuff that is meant to have a pea-sized amount cover your entire face, except he squeezed it into his hair. His head was slimy for three days, even after repeated baths. He did the same a week or so later, with eye-makeup remover. He also likes to steal our shoes and walk around in them. (That child is better at walking in high heels than most adults.)