True Stories That Sound Like Lies

Edition: Me, my family, and the crazy s*** we do.

1. I have eaten deep-fried alligator meat, at a redneck party. At that same party I also heartlessly ate a crawfish that still had the eyeballs in which I had been playing with thirty minutes before, because I’m a badass.

2. I have gone inner-tubing in a hailstorm. Not intentionally, mind, this was Colorado, and it was sunny when we set out, but within thirty minutes it was a full-on, hailing, thunder-and-lightning storm. I may or may not have screamed “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE” but in my defense I was nine and I was enough of a badass to suck it up and make it down the river.

3. From my second birthday to my third I believed wholeheartedly that I was a cat, which extended to waking up in the middle of the night and meowing instead of crying and also attempting to pee in the backyard. However, I was an intelligent cat, and my mom says that once she asked me to translate my meowing and I stopped, gave her a look, and said “Okay, I’ll talk normal just this once because you don’t speak cat,” and I explained what I wanted and went back to meowing.

4. My sister and I went to an art class and one of the pictures on the walls, a black-and-white line drawing of a woman, moved, I swear to God. It would yawn and scratch its nose when you weren’t looking directly at it and it was never in the same position twice.


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