The Great Dishwasher Scam and the Consequences Thereof.

Two days ago I caught my little brother running a long-term chores scam.

See, each of us has to do two chores a day: One in the morning, and one at night. Ender loads the dishwasher every night, and I handwash all of the dishes that don’t fit and the things that can’t go in the dishwasher, like pots, pans, knives, etc. My brother was intentionally arranging all of the dishes in the dishwasher so that it filled up really fast even though it was only holding half the capacity, starting the dishwasher, and letting me do the majority of the dishes. 

Mom was the one who caught him initially, but Ender played dumb, saying that he wasn’t good at fitting lots of dishes in, so she demonstrated and told him to do better next time. I had already shown him how to fit more dishes in several times, so I was suspicious. 

“You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you,” I said. “So I have to do all the work.”

He denied it a few times, and then rolled his eyes and said, “Well, yeah, but I can’t tell you that because you’ll just tell Mom and get me in trouble.”

“HELL YES I’M TELLING MOM,” I said. “You’re running a scam!”

He got in trouble, was severely scolded, and told that his work would be checked every night from now on.

Later that night, Mom and Dad were sitting in the living room and Ender was sitting beside Dad’s chair, sulking. I innocently walked into the room, and Ender exploded, letting out a battle-cry of rage and flinging himself at me, as Mom and Dad watched, not moving. Because I am five years older than him and weigh thirty pounds more, I grabbed him around the shoulders, spun him around, and pushed him down onto the couch. Then I started counting. 

“One, two, three–“

See, my little teeny brother, Spawn, is going through a difficult and extremely violent phase in his life, so whenever he attacks us we pin him down and count to ten before letting him go, like an extremely humiliating and tiny timeout. Since Ender was acting like a two year old, I treated him like one.

Meanwhile, Mom and Dad are doing absolutely nothing, just watching. 

Later, Dad said that he wanted to see how I’d handle it, and when I did handle it, I handled it well, so he didn’t feel the need to step in. 

Whatever. I’ve gotten a lot of practice with wrestling Ender before. Him and Chloe fight all the time, and Ender goes into berserk mode occasionally. Usually I have to sit on him until he calms down then, too, otherwise Chloe (who also goes berserk from time to time) will destroy him and/or he’ll get in trouble. I have also pinned Chloe down and sat on her, after she went batshit insane after a fight and started trying to choke me. It’s a favored move of mine, when it comes to fights.

Now I do approximately a third of the amount of dishes I was doing before now, Ender does twice the amount, and Spawn whacks us with broomsticks when our backs are turned.

 

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