I love Christmas music, to be perfectly honest with you. I know all of the lyrics to Sleigh Ride and Taylor Swift’s version of Last Christmas, and I’m struggling with learning the lyrics to The Bells (You know, the one that goes “ding-dong, ding-dong,” during the chorus?). However, there are some songs that, when you really think about it, are creepy and awkward to listen to. Here are my top three picks for most disturbing songs that frequent malls in December:
#3: Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer.
“There were hoof prints on her forehead/and incriminating Claus marks on her back.”
First of all, reindeer fly, so I am seriously questioning the validity of the “Oh no, Santa accidentally ran over our grandmother” theory. The singer does too, by the sounds of “Incriminating Claus marks on her back.” That’s another thing: If she has hoof prints on her forehead, then the sleigh came at her from the front, right? So how did those “incriminating Claus marks” get on her back? The answer is that Santa straight up murdered a sozzled old lady.
And guess who’s mourning this lady? NOT HER HUSBAND.
“And we’re all so proud of Grandpa/He’s been taking this so well/See him out there watching football/drinking beer and playing cards with cousin Mel.”
OR HER MATERIALISTIC DESCENDANTS
“Should we open up her gifts or take them back?”
Returning to the fact that Santa is a cold blooded murderer who destroyed this old lady’s family, I am very concerned about that. Positively paranoid. It makes the next song on the list SO MUCH CREEPIER.
#2: Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping/He knows when you’re awake/He knows if you’ve been bad or good/So be good, for goodness’ sake.” Or else he won’t bring you presents. Remember, children: You have no secrets from Santa. You have no privacy. You have no way to hide. SANTA. SEES. ALL. So you better be on your BEST BEHAVIOR or else he’ll come for you. To bring you coal, of course. Why else would he come for you? Why are you crying? No, don’t cry, Santa doesn’t like it when children cry.
“You better watch out/You better not cry/You better not pout/I’m telling you why/Santa Claus is coming to town.” This is not the friendly, exciting encouragement of someone who is telling children about the miracle of Christmas. This is the leering warning of a serial killer’s minion being interrogated by the cops. (“He’s coming for you.”)
“He’s making a list/He’s checking it twice/He’s gonna find out who’s naughty and nice.” Don’t get on the naughty list, kiddos. I mean, you’d hate to be on some ancient fat red cold-blooded killer’s bad side, right? RIGHT? So be good, okay? : )
Oh dear Saint Nicholas, this gives me an uneasy feeling about Rudolph’s shiny red nose, too. Urrgh.
#1. Baby It’s Cold Outside.
This one is not even remotely related to Santa’s suspicious shenanigans, but it is the most creepy Christmas carol I have ever heard, so let’s put the conspiracy theories aside for a moment (GUESS WHO ELSE IS COMMONLY CALLED NICK? SATAN, THAT’S WHO) and focus on the disturbing content of this holiday charmer. This entire song is literally just about a guy pressuring a reluctant woman to stay the night, and possibly drugging her. Oh, you don’t believe me? Here, have some lyrics:
“The neighbors might think/Baby it’s bad out there/Say, what’s in this drink?/No cabs to be had out there.”
I mean. I guess you could read it as a “Wow, isn’t this drink yummy? What did you use to make it?” but contextually it just reads as exceedingly creepy. There is either an unexpected amount of alcohol or some kind of fishy drug in that drink, and either one is setting off far too many alarm bells. “It’s an isolated line!” you say. “It’s romantic really!”
“I ought to say no, no, no sir/Mind if I move in closer?/At least I’m gonna say that I tried/What’s the sense in hurting my pride?”
I realize that I may have been a little unclear with the bolding there, but both of those lines are setting off so many alarm bells in my head. I’ve got imaginary firemen sliding down a metaphorical pole to go rescue this woman before she gets burned. First of all, the fact that she’s “trying” to say no and he’s not listening is creepy. She “ought” to say no? I suppose you could read this as a “Well, culturally, she knows she should say no, but you know she wants to stay.” This is an uncomfortably Robin Thicke-esque statement, and we don’t like Robin Thicke at all. She is obviously reluctant. Decent people do not continue pressuring people who are reluctant. They give them a coat and call them a cab. She might be being coy. It’s definitely possible. Really, though, at the point where you suggest calling them a cab, someone being coy would come out and tell you what they want.
Decent people also don’t attempt to guilt their significant others by saying things like (And these are all directly quoted from the lyrics) “What’s the sense in hurting my pride?” “Baby don’t hold out,” “How can you do this thing to me?” “Think of my lifelong sorrow/If you caught pneumonia and died.” “Get over that hold out.”
Keep in mind that the woman is pretty stuck, at the moment, with no means of personal transportation, a head full of alcohol, and a blizzard snowing them in together. She can’t run away like I would run away if anyone tried to use those tricks on me.
I could seriously go on for days, analyzing every line of the song and pausing periodically for vomit breaks, but we’ll just leave it there, all right?
BONUS: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Those are some shallow and xenophobic reindeer rocking this jingle. Also they are total groupies who are trying to bathe in Rudolph’s reflected glory. Jerks.